The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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