Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
