I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
