Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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