I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
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