come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
