you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
