My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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