i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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