I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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