my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We are two peas in an std pod
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
