Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
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i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
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He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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