On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
