I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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