So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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