Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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