I skipped work to stalk him.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
