Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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