Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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