well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
