his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
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You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
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I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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