I think I died a long time ago.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
