Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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