I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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