Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
