I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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