turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
