Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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