so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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