haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
