i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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