i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
