he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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