I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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