I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
