she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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