She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
