Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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