Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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