she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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