seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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