What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
