The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
