I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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