Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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