Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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