There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
