Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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