her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
