I'm eating all of the evidence.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
