can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
