why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
