"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize